Ask and you shall receive...

Oh my girl. My Amy. My heart. At once one of the greatest joys of my life and one of the greatest challenges. But the love...oh, the love I feel for her. I waited and waited for it.

This love, this expansion of my heart almost until it hurts, wasn't instantaneous for me. Of course I loved her...she is my daughter. But there were days I asked myself why I didn't feel the storied "gush" of love for my child. Those first few weeks when I more often dreaded her than adored her made me question my value as a mother, and as a person. Why on earth didn't I feel like I loved her?

And it was slow and gradual, and by the time it was in full force almost caught me by surprise! It helped so much to hear other mothers tell me that it would come...they promised it would come. I held onto that promise like a lifeline, all the while asking God to help me to love her more, to be the best mother I could be.

And then, just as acutely as I felt it was missing, it was there. It wasn't the first smile, it wasn't in the bonding of nursing, it wasn't even in her "mommy-only" phase. It was in one small moment last week when I looked at her playing in her crib...the same exact way I had looked at her playing in her crib dozens of times before. But this time I had to look away...it sounds silly, but it almost hurt, how much I loved her in that moment, and I had to look away because it felt like my heart might burst with joy. Tears came to my eyes, and I knew then that it had come.

Giving Thanks

This time last year, we were in South Carolina with my family, and I was just pregnant with our Amy. I look back and I feel so amazed at how our lives have changed over the course of one year, and how much God has directed and provided for our little family.

When I lost my job last October, we knew it would be tough. But I've learned a big lesson in doing what we can to be good stewards of our income. And God has always provided a means to extra income, seemingly just when we needed it, be it extra subbing this summer or nannying for Will and Piper over spring break.

He brought us through obstacles in the pregnancy, and now we have our beautiful Amy. And despite a difficult labor, and a c-section to recover from, God provided the means to avoid a second surgery through the c-section. So, I'm grateful for all He has brought us through this year. I'm grateful my family could be with us for Amy's baptism, and for George's family being here, always willing to lend us a hand should we need it. I'm grateful for George's job, in a not-so-secure economy. I'm especially grateful that I get to be with my Amy every day, and that I'm with her for all of her "firsts". I'm grateful for the spit-up, and the hair-pulling, and the frustrating days. I'm grateful for the man I get to walk through life with, and for a God who is in control, even when I feel like I can't get a hold on things.

There is truly much to be thankful for. Happy Thanksgiving.

To cloth diaper or not to cloth diaper?

Or...to CD or not to CD?

Yes, folks, there is a whole mommy-blogging, abbreviation-using, diaper-swapping (Yes! Really!) community of CD-ing moms out there. And I feel that if "unfriend" is now officially the Word of the Year (my God, it's a new societal low), then I should certainly at least attempt to use abbreviations, for pete's sake. And then I realized just how out of the loop I am when it comes to this whole Internet thing. Abbreviations are only the beginning.

So, in my attempts to sort out the plethora of options from FB to BG to RB (for those of us who use full words in our everyday vocabulary, that would be FuzziBunz, bumGenius, and Renegade Baby, respectively) I have come to a place where I am by turns amused, overwhelmed, and excited. Yes, that right. Excited. So Very Excited. Soakers and Prefolds and Inserts, Oh My.

This isn't exactly a place I ever pictured myself, sitting in front of my computer with umpteen tabs open in 5 different windows trying to sort out what could/might/won't work for us. I don't like laundry. I do basic things to save energy/the Earth, but I don't get super crazy about it. My main motivation is $$$. Cash. Moolah. Green. As a SAHM (yes, another! translation: stay at home mom)and a Dave Ramsey-er, I keep a tight reign on every penny that passes through our hands. And having only one income is definitely a challenge. So when I see $40 per month flying out the door, I get understandably anxious. The last time I purchased diapers, I began doing math in my head. Not only is this a Pastime In Which Emily Should Not Indulge Due To Her Poor Math Skillz, but it also left me with a Bad Feeling. A feeling of multiple children in Pampers = Do we eat this month? followed closely by We will never be debt free at this rate.

So, I calculated the initial investment...which if I choose more economical cloth diapers (like most things, there is a high and a low end) is not actually as much as I thought it could be. But, as I've said before, I like to know as much as I can about things. So it was on to the reviews. Of course, there are many stellar reviews for top of the line cloth diapering systems. But there are also wonderful reviews for two of the options I am considering.

bumGenius, which lies somewhere between middle-of-the-road and high-end has recently developed both a moderate and a super-economy line. I didn't find much to be thrilled about with Econobum, the lower of the two. But Flip piqued my interest. Flip is a One Size (OS) diaper system with a waterproof cover and microfiber one size inserts. Basically, a series of snaps takes the diaper through the growth of the child, and there are seams sewn into the inserts to fold them down to right length based on the size you have set the diaper. I knew I liked snaps (word is they last much longer than velcro), and these were apparently much more durable than the Econobum snap covers. I'm still on the fence about prefolds vs. inserts. I'm going to try both, as they each apparently have their merits and downfalls. But luckily, with almost all diaper systems, they are interchangeable. So, we will purchase one Flip and give it a trial run.

My second option is gDiapers. These are velcro and not a one size system, so I would have to purchase more covers as she grows (fortunately she'd already be in the M size - 14-28 lbs and still have quite a ways to go before moving to L), but they are cheaper than most other systems that are sized. They were designed to use flushable inserts, but those cost as much if not slightly more than disposables. Several users simply use prefolds or inserts and report that they work just as well, if not better. (gDiapers do make gCloth inserts, but those are much pricier than your standard prefolds, which is what they are anyway). These diapers have a soft cotton/poly cover, and a snap-in waterproof liner. Which I like. Fewer covers + more extremely affordable snap-ins = a happy budget. I will purchase one gDiaper as well.

So. There. Additionally I need a set of prefolds and a set of inserts for my trial run, both of which are affordable. My hunch is that I'll end up liking both for different reasons, and go with a combination of the two (apparently quite common amongst CD-ing moms no matter which systems they're using). Which would work out great, considering I'll have already purchased almost half of what I would need in total. I'm going to stick with disposable wipes for the time being, but may switch over to cloth if I decide that CDs are all I'll use from now on.

So, while we have another month or so until the trial run begins, after a tremendous amount of research, this is my plan. If the trial run goes well, then I am committing to at least 4 months of CD-ing, or the amount of time it would take to purchase diapers equal to the investment. Whether I like it or not. And while I don't like laundry, I like saving money a whole lot more.

Amy's birth story OR Things That Do Not Go Your Way

Nothing ever seems to go the way we plan...

I am a planner. I like to know everything I can about, well, everything. I keep lists. Lots of 'em. I like to be prepared for any possibility. But I was not prepared for the way I gave birth.

I researched. I planned, all the while keeping the thought in the back of my head that I had to be flexible. Things are different for every woman, and situations you don't expect can arise. I like to think I maintained that flexibility. Granted, when I needed the flexibility, I didn't stubbornly fight the situation, but there was significant disappointment and frustration.

There is a school of thought that believes that every woman can give birth naturally, given enough time. I personally don't agree. If that were the case, women and infants would not have been dying in childbirth for thousands of years. I don't believe it would have been the case for me.

On the day after my due date, July 29th, George was mowing the lawn and my mom and I had just finished painting a small sample of paint on the walls in the baby's room. A friend of hers (who is, of all things, a nurse) called, and while she talked I used the restroom for the hundredth time that day. I realized very quickly that something was different. At first I thought I was still peeing...because when you're pregnant - let's face it - that's sometimes the case. But I quickly realized that it probably wasn't the case. I told my mom (still on the phone) that I thought I was leaking amniotic fluid. She mentioned it to her friend, Debbie, who asked to speak to me. I explained to her what I was experiencing, and she agreed it was likely. So, a phone call to the OB was next on the list. He agreed, and asked me to come in to verify that my water had broken.

Now, my water didn't break in one big gush. It began - and continued for the next 24 hours- to leak slowly. That was one of the most uncomfortable feelings I have ever experienced.

My mom and George got everything together that we needed, and after a call to my in-laws to have them take care of Vera, we were on our way to the hospital. Along the way, I can remember my mom and George asking me several times whether I was having any contractions. The answer was always no. We got to the hospital, and after being checked, was told that my water had broken, and that I was still 1cm, 50% effaced, and -1/-2. Later on, I realized that they really almost exaggerated a little bit, because the lack of progress became very discouraging.

I told George he should try and sleep, since it might be a long night, and my mom walked the halls with me. We walked like crazy. I had decided I wanted to try and labor naturally, and I knew movement would be best. In combination (later on), I would use some Bradley-type relaxation and breathing.

Three hours later, while the other measurments stayed the same, I had dilated to 4 cm. At that point I was optimistic! I thought that if I was actually progressing at 1 cm/hour, that it might actually be an average length labor. But that's where everything changed.

An hour later, still 4cm. Two hours after that, 4 cm. And two hours after that...4 cm. At that point it was 4:00 am (July 30th), and it had been 10 hours since my water broke. The nurse had started talking about Pitocin around 2 am, but I wanted to wait and see...I knew I wouldn't be able to move around as much, and I wanted to be able to keep moving. I really wasn't having any recognizable contraction pattern, and to be truthful was barely having contractions. So at 4:00 I went on Pitocin. According to my mom, they turned that sucker up. I definitely felt much stronger contractions, but I was still doing fine naturally, and around 7:00 am I saw my OB. Still 4 cm. He decided to let me go a while longer, and hope the Pitocin would do it's job. He also decided to put in a internal pressure catheter...which is just as much fun as it sounds, and was absolutely the worst pain I have ever experienced, I think in part because generally they try in put it in when you're not having a contraction, but it so happened that I did right in the middle. Of course.

Meanwhile, the next 5 hours or so were probably the worst part of the labor for me. I was frustrated, tired, and uncomfortable (hello internal pressure catheter). I was fortunately able to get out of bed and move into different positions...as far as the leads from the monitors would let me, which was probably about 4 or 5 feet. I did a lot of relaxation/breathing as well, and lots of sitting on the birthing ball and rocking chair. It was so frustrating having to be hooked up to the machines and so limited. I read that some women want to be still and relax in response to birth, and some women want to move around and be active...I was the latter - it was just my personal instinct.

My OB came by again around 1pm. My nurse Kerry (the best labor nurse on earth) warned me that he would probably talk about the possibility of a c-section, since I was still at 4 cm, and was neither dilating or effacing, and Amy just wasn't descending into the birth canal. He did mention it, and we discussed the possibility of waiting longer since Amy was tolerating the labor really well. That was the one part of the labor that seemed to go right...she did beautifully, and didn't give us a moment's worry. But he asked me if we wanted to wait until she wasn't tolerating it well, until she showed signs of stress, and we didn't. So, he said I could go off the Pitocin, and just relax (HA!) until it was my turn to go to the OR.

I cried, and my mom and George held my hands and reassured me, but a big part of me was really disappointed. Even though I knew I hadn't I still felt like I had failed. When I look back on it now, I did everything I had in my power to do to avoid a c-section...I moved, I never had an epidural, and I really was quite relaxed in labor. I wasn't scared or nervous. I think it just wasn't in the cards. Once the Pitocin stopped, I essentially stopped contracting. It was like my body just wasn't going to do it on it's own.

The wait for the c-section was horrific for me. I was terrified of surgery, and even more terrified of a spinal. We had to wait several hours for a couple of planned c-sections and a couple of emergency ones. I fell into neither category. To add insult to injury, my IV hadn't been placed properly to begin with, and they had to do it again. Unfortunately, I had been given so much fluid over the previous 24 hours, it was really tough to get a vein up enough to put a needle in. So there was a lot of trial and error involved, and I hate needles. I was so exhausted by then, and emoptionally worn out that everything felt like it was putting me over the edge.

One thing that reassured me was meeting the anesthesiologist. He knew I was very scared, and his demeanor was very calm and I felt much better after he explained everything to me. However, once I was in the OR waiting to have the spinal done, it was a different anesthesiologist who came to do the spinal (I think since it was just after 5pm, the original doctor's shift was over). I had met him for a brief moment at the end of my conversation with the original anes. I hadn't liked him in that brief moment then and I still didn't. He was younger, seemed impatient to just get things done, and had zero bedside manner. I was shaking, terrified, holding onto Kerry and crying. Then, he couldn't place the spinal. "Electrical" pain shot down my leg twice. Kerry reassured me that it was just nerves being hit briefly, and it would be over soon. The doc leaned over my shoulder and asked if I would be okay being asleep for the surgery. My response was "No!" I'm pretty sure, had I not had my eyes squeezed shut and my face buried in the pillow I was curled over, I would have seen Kerry glaring at him. He FINALLY placed the spinal, after about 15 minutes. It may not seem like a terribly long time, but believe me...it felt like years. Kerry told me later that the doctor said that what happened with me only happens for him maybe once a year. Of course. I don't think I could have handled that had Kerry not been standing with me, holding on to me. She got me through it.

After that, I can say that things went really well. The nurse who was monitoring my vitals drew me a picture of a beach and a margarita on the back of the screen they put up in front of me, and when he saw that I was wearing my scapular and commented on it, I felt immediately that things were going to be fine. He talked to me very calmly and softly throughout, and I felt very calm then. George was on my right, holding my hand, and my mom was watching the surgery. It was mere minutes until I heard her cry. She cried right away, and I looked over at George and he was crying, too. I could hear the nurses saying how pink she was. My mom said she came out with her arms up by her head, and to his day, I honestly feel that was what kept her from descending into the birth canal. I was so grateful that it was own OB who did the surgery. I trusted him, and I knew he would do a good job. Another thing that turned out well was that he was able to remove my ovarian cyst (it turned out to be bigger than the ultrasound had indicated...about the size of a racquetball), and I didn't have to plan on another surgery.

So, I guess that's the story. When I look back on it, the tough part was the emotional toll the whole labor took. It was so disappointing at the time, and I was so tired. But I was surprised at my own strength through the physical part of labor. I had always considered myself a bit of a weenie when it came to pain. ;) I mean it in the humblest way possible, and with a sense of awe that God created women for such an awesome purpose, and provides us with strength we are unaware of.
I'm so grateful that He brought my little family through it all safely, and I know I feel stronger for having gone through it.

Life As We Know It

Things seem to have slowed down to a much calmer pace these last weeks. After the busy (and exahausted) weeks following Amy's birth, followed shortly by the flurry of her baptism weekend, we have settled now into a happy rhythm of the everyday.

This is the face I get to wake up to every day, and I am reminded of just how lucky I am to be able to stay home with this precious girl. She is so much fun as she is starting to develop her little personality (I'm afraid she veers slightly toward the realm of Drama Queen...haha). But thankfully I know how to deal with that! :)

She is no longer interested in being a baby, much to Daddy's dismay. The other day he was lamenting the loss of his little snuggle-bug who would simply curl up on his chest and drift off into sleep. Not only is she just too big for that anymore, she just has Too Much To See And Do to be so still!

She's also in a Mommy Phase. If Mommy is present, no one else should be holding Miss Amy (even Daddy)...in her opinion. Otherwise, we run the risk of this:

Very sad indeed.

But she and Daddy are bonding some more, and he is the bathtime specialist these days. It's his time with her in her bedtime routine, and she is realizing more and more that her Daddy is super awesome and a pretty funny guy. :)

We're hoping to get a webcam in the next month or two and start Skype-ing with my family in SC...I am hoping it will help her recognize everyone as well as hear their voices.

Christmas seems right around the corner all of a sudden, and we'll be heading up to South Bend to join in the Mullally Christmas this year. I am so excited for Amy to meet my own aunts, uncles, and cousins! My family will be driving up there as well, so Amy will get to spend some time with them too! I think they'll be amazed at how much she's changed since they last saw her in September!



She is Miss Mobility these days too...she's rolling from front to back and pushing her feet into the floor to scoot around on her back. She is grabbing toys with her hands AND her feet, and is "talking" up a storm. She keeps us in line. :)

I also got some pretty hearty laughs just this morning. It just keeps reminding me of how grateful I am that I'm here to experience all these little milestones.

We are one body of Christ

This past weekend, we celebrated Amy's baptism into the Catholic Church. It was a very emotional weekend for me, watching as my daughter was welcomed into her faith, and also knowing what a great responsibility her father and I have to bring her up faithfully according to the Word of God.

My brother David and George's and my close friend Dawn were there as Amy's God Parents. They are such wonderful examples of what it is to live and witness their faith. It is such an honor for us to have them be such a special part of her life!

My whole family: Amy's Pop-Pop, Grandma, Uncle David, Uncle Josh, Aunt Mary, and Aunt Sarah, and Great-Grandpa Wilson were all there to celebrate with us! My Grandpa Wilson, a deacon, came all the way from Phoenix to baptize Amy! It was so special...he also married us, so we are hopefully starting a tradition for our family! George's mom and dad, his Brown Grandparents, and his Uncle Wint, Aunt Julie, and cousin Hayley were there as well! I was so happy they were all able to be there with us to celebrate!

Janice and Gary had a beautiful lunch reception at their house after the baptism, and all in all it was a beautiful day!

We were so thankful to be able to spend the day with those we love most!

In A Nutshell...

There is a blog that I read daily, written by a mom, for other moms. It's her job, and she actually gets paid for it. I'm really glad that's not my job. I'd be broke.

I apologize for the lack of updates to this blog! It's not for lack of information, but lack of attention. But now, we've got plenty to post about!

As you can plainly guess, the rest of the pregnancy progressed, and the blood clot absorbed, and was gone at our 20 week appointment. We were so relieved and thankful to be past that bump in the road. We also, however, discovered an ovarian cyst at that appointment. There was some talk of surgery while pregnant, which really frightened George and I both, but in the end, my doctor decided it was a very stable cyst and we could remove it several weeks after the baby was born. I got monthly sonograms to check on the cyst, and to make sure it wasn't growing too large or affecting the baby's growth. Luckily, that also meant we got a lot of great pics of our girl!

In the end, after many months of waiting, a day of non-progressive labor, and a c-section, our daughter Amy Kathryn Brown made her debut on the evening of July 30. My doctor was there to do the surgery, which was a great relief to me, and George AND my mom got to be in the operating room with me (usually only one person gets to be in there)! My mom watched the whole surgery too! George watched the baby. Surgery is not his thing! ;) A great bonus to the c-section was that my doctor removed the cyst too, so I don't have to plan on another surgery.

Amy was so healthy and pink and 8lb 7 oz! Holy cow! She has reddish blonde hair, and the sweetest little face. Long fingers, and her daddy's feet. My dad declared that she looked just like me when I was born.

Since then (almost a month!!!) she has continued to grow well, and is already 10 & 1/2 lbs! She is very healthy, and cuter every day! It took me a while to recover, and to feel all those gushy feelings moms talk about, but now they are in full force and there are so many moments during the day when I look at her and tears well up in my eyes at the miracle she is, and how lucky we are to have her.

We are getting ready for her baptism next weekend, and our families and even some of George's extended family will be there to celebrate with us! I am so excited! Hopefully I will have it together enough to blog about it! But for now enjoy some pics of our beautiful girl!

Keeping the Faith

Shortly after my last post, we hit a bump in the road with the pregnancy. Around 9 weeks, I had had a bout of unexplained bleeding, which my doctor explained was common in 1 out of 5 pregnancies. Plus, he did an ultrasound, and the baby was fine. So since he was not particularly concerned about it, neither were we. But then, around 12 weeks, I had another bout of bleeding, and this time, my doctor ordered a more detailed ultrasound, and the sonographer found a subchorionic hematoma or, more simply, a blood clot that sits between the placenta and the uterus, essentially creating a small separation, which threatens the pregnancy. Many of these reabsornb into the uterine wall, but some bleed out and the pregnancy continues, or it creates a bigger separation, and there is a miscarriage. Most resolve in one way or another by 20 weeks.

This was, as expected, somewhat devastating news. There is nothing that can be done to prevent a miscarriage, and there are no statistics for outcome. We were told we simply had to wait and see.

It has been a HUGE test of faith. And, true to the nature of our good and just God, we have been able to maintain a sense of peace as we wait. Aside from the fears and uncertainties of that first day, we have both felt very at peace with all of this. I know that it can be from no other course besides the generous grace of God. It is not in my nature at all to be at peace. I am a worrier in most situations. :) But God has given us this gift, and we are relying on Him to watch over us and our little one.

Thankfully, I have not experienced any more symptoms since 12 weeks, and I am currently just 2 weeks short of the 20 week mark. At our last appointment, we heard the baby's strong heartbeat, and on the 11th, we will have our 20 week appointment, at which point we will know if the hematoma is gone, and also who we will be meeting in August! :) My doctor is very encouraged by the lack of symptoms, which gives us even more hope!

We will post again after the next appointment, and hopefully we will have wonderful news! Please pray for us, for this little life, and for God's will!

God Bless,

Emily and George

Updates!

It feels like forever since I managed to write on this blog...probably beause it has been almost 5 months! That is an eternity in blog time, but I am happy to say that there will be much more to write about from now on!

September

We went on our camping trip, and although it was only for a couple of days, it was a really wonderful time that the two of us spent together without any distractions. Working together setting up a tent in the dark, hiking, taking photos, going swimming at the beach, making food over a campfire...it was all fun! The weather was not too hot, but not too cold at night, and in general we had a blast!

At the end of Sepember, George volunteered to be a travel technician and spend two weeks in Minneapolis working for Brinks there. It was a very lonely time for me, but I got to visit Minneapolis during the weekend in between, and when I was home, Vera kept me company, and I spent a lot of time with Gary and Janice, which made me feel close to George even though he was away.

October

It was a difficult month for us. Partway through the month, I lost my job, which was difficult at first, but turned out to be a blessing for us, as I am now substitute teaching, which is a very good fit for me. Additionally, we rejoiced in the providence of Dave Ramsey's program (which we have followed for 2 years now) which had us prepared financially for several months if necessary. Fortunately, God led me to something just right for me in a very short time, and by mid-November, I was waiting for my sub certificate, the last step before beginning to substitute.

The last weekend in October, we had the privelege of attending the ordination of a longtime friend in South Bend. We got to stay with my Aunt Colleen and Uncle Paul, and see my Aunt Maureen as well. It was also the first time in almost a year that our whole family had been together. It was a wonderful weekend.

The weekend George came back from Minneapolis we also were surprised and overjoyed to find out that Marcie and Alejandro would be having another baby in June!

November

The biggest month of the year for us! God decided that the timing was right for our family to expand! The week before Thanksgiving, we found out that we were having a baby! It was such beautiful timing, too, because we were able to tell my parents, Josh, Mary, and Sarah in person that we were expecting when we visited them the next week for Thanksgving. George's family rejoiced as well, since next summer there will be two new grandchildren to join the Brown clan!

Thanksgiving was wonderful, and we enjoyed our first visit to South Carolina!

December

Another big month! We had our first sonograms, and celebrated Christmas with many of George's cousins and aunts and uncles, and his Laber grandparents! It was a wonderful holiday, and the next week, we rang in the new year with Gary, Janice, Marcie, Alejandro, and Luna.

And finally...January

So far, this has been a great month! I began subbing regularly (the couple of weeks before Christmas were filled with snow days, and not many teachers took off the other days prior to break). I also have just about reached the second trimester mark...just a few more days!

This past weekend, we had my cousin Andrew Wieber to visit for the weekend, which was wonderful and we showed him around Kansas City and just really enjoyed his company!

This coming weekend, I will begin rehearsing for La Traviata at the Lyric Opera, which we will perform in March, and the following weekend we will take a look at a house we may be able to rent in Lee's Summit, since we are planning on moving there when our lease is up in April.

So, there have been both endings and new beginnings in the last few months, and a big new adventure up ahead! Stay tuned, as the posting will definitely be more regular now!

As always, with much love,

Emily and George