Oh my girl. My Amy. My heart. At once one of the greatest joys of my life and one of the greatest challenges. But the love...oh, the love I feel for her. I waited and waited for it.
This love, this expansion of my heart almost until it hurts, wasn't instantaneous for me. Of course I loved her...she is my daughter. But there were days I asked myself why I didn't feel the storied "gush" of love for my child. Those first few weeks when I more often dreaded her than adored her made me question my value as a mother, and as a person. Why on earth didn't I feel like I loved her?
And it was slow and gradual, and by the time it was in full force almost caught me by surprise! It helped so much to hear other mothers tell me that it would come...they promised it would come. I held onto that promise like a lifeline, all the while asking God to help me to love her more, to be the best mother I could be.
And then, just as acutely as I felt it was missing, it was there. It wasn't the first smile, it wasn't in the bonding of nursing, it wasn't even in her "mommy-only" phase. It was in one small moment last week when I looked at her playing in her crib...the same exact way I had looked at her playing in her crib dozens of times before. But this time I had to look away...it sounds silly, but it almost hurt, how much I loved her in that moment, and I had to look away because it felt like my heart might burst with joy. Tears came to my eyes, and I knew then that it had come.
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